Tuesday, January 31, 2012

When To Forgive, When To Say Screw It.

I've always been a sucker for forgiveness--let me rephrase.  I've always been a sucker for forgiveness when it comes to people that seem worthy of it.  Okay, that didn't sound any better.  Hmmm.  I've been a sucker for forgiveness when it comes to people that I've allowed to use me as a doormat.  Okay, that makes me sound bad.  Regardless, I've always been a sucker when it comes to forgiveness for SOME people, but not all.  I'm just trying to be honest here.

There are those in my life that I've forgiven.  Perhaps it was for mistreating me in some way; perhaps it was just a misunderstanding where I was also in the wrong.  I believe in second chances for some indiscretions and immediate elimination from my life for others.  Just depends.

So the question is when do you forgive, and when do you say screw it?  After writing my latest article for the Glass Heel, which is on toxic family relationships, it made me think a lot about forgiveness.  When does one decide to throw in the towel versus coming to terms with the other person?  Hmmm.  If you're looking for the feel good version of forgiveness, you're not going to find it here.  And it's not because I hold grudges; it's not because I don't believe in forgiveness--it's because I believe that people behave the way you allow them to behave.  And with that belief, I have to sometimes put a stop to bad behavior.

Last night, as I sat down with my daughter for a chat, she told me that a family member of ours had recently added her back on Facebook.  "It's family, right mom?" she asked me, almost looking for direction of sort.  She wanted my approval, my permission and I want her to be able to make these types of decisions on her own.  "Marissa, I have no problem with you adding that person," I began with hesitation in my mind and annoyance in my stomach.  I cannot stand be used--not by anyone.  People behave the way you allow them to--I really believe this.  Sometimes walking away from crappy situations is necessary--even when it does hurt.  She didn't know what to say to her new Facebook "friend", and I told her that was okay.  For some it's easier to find that forgiveness--especially when you're young and haven't been screwed over by the people that are supposed to be your family.  When that happens, it hurts the most and forgiveness is harder to come by.

But for my daughter, I don't want her optimism to be skewed by my life's experiences.  There are some lessons that she needs to learn on her own.  I want her to be able to find forgiveness in places that I haven't been able to--aren't I supposed to always want more for my kids?  And I do.  I really do.

And like I told her last night, as we were wrapping up our conversation, I never would issue ill-will toward anyone--not even those that I don't care to have in my life.  After all, life is nothing but a learning experience--and who knows, maybe she's just the person who will teach me when to forgive and when to say screw it.

Check out my latest article on Glass Heel--Toxic Family Relationships

1 comment:

  1. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries. If someone ignores them or doesn't respect them, then it's time to break away.