Sunday, February 6, 2011


Relationships.  Whenever I'm in a restaurant, coffe shop--where ever there's a couple sitting there and the woman's staring out into space, while the guy's checking his Blackberry--I can't help but feel bad for them. Perhaps it's because I've been in the woman's shoes before and it sucks.  Sitting there, wishing that there was something to say, but so much crap has fallen between the two of you that there's nothing left.  And so, you just sit there, sipping your coffee, pretending all is right in the world.

My husband and I have this relationship that's based on a friendship.  I not only love him, but I like him. He makes me laugh, listens to me, is able to have intellectual debates, we workout together--he's just a cool guy.  He was my friend before we dated, and I'm thankful for that.

It's taken me quite sometime to learn what's valuable in a relationship.  And makes me wonder why some people never quite get it.  Why being stuck in a relationship that's going nowhere is acceptable.  What I miss the least about my poor relationship choices would be the arguing.  When you're married to your best friend, there's none of that hating, life-sucking, I want to kill you emotion in place.  Now that I've realized that, I'm finally able to enjoy not only my partner, but our togetherness.

Yesterday while my husband and I were shopping at Wally World (our pet name for Walmart), we propped our Ipad on the cart.  Following our Saturday morning workout at the gym, we go for breakfast and make our weekly shopping list.  To say our spree was uneventful would be giving it too much credit.  The snow was falling as we headed towards the car.  My husband threw me the keys, "Warm it up babe while I put the groceries in the back."  I had the urge to tell him to give me the Ipad, but ignored it.  I was freezing and just wanted to get warm.  We listened to radio as we made our way back home, another non-eventful moment on this Saturday afternoon.  The moment we pulled into the garage, my husband leapt out of the car, "Shit!  Tell me I didn't!"  "Umm, hello--what's going on?" I asked, and quite patiently not knowing what the hell was going on.  The back door slammed shut and the trunk flew open, "FUCK!  I'm such an idiot!  You've got to be shittin' me!"  "What's wrong, babe?" this time feeling a bit impatient--what the hell!  "FUCK!  Are you fucking kidding me?"  That's when it dawned on me.  I realized instantly what had happened.  "NO!  Seriously?"  I jumped from the car and started looking in the car as well.  "You have to go back."  "I'm such an idiot!  Who does this?  This is $500 just left sitting in a cart!"  "Grab your keys and go--I'll take care of this.  And stop calling yourself an idiot--I don't like it!"  My husband grabbed his keys and took off, well went as fast as he could in the snow-packed street, back towards Wally World.  The store's about 15 minutes from our home.  I was thinking there was no way the Ipad would still be there.  Seriously, if I found an Ipad sitting in a cart would I take it?  Knowing I was having to even think of the answer told me enough--there's no way it'd be there.

This is where our relationship is different.  I know that in past relationships, I'd be on fire.  An Ipad is a lot of friggin' money!  Seriously!  But with my husband, just hearing him call himself names and being upset with himself is too much for me.  I don't like it.  I don't like him to be distraught.  He really matters to me.  He comes first--something new for me...  Saying he comes first is one thing, feeling this is quite another.  I'd never understood what these words meant until my husband came along.  As I stood there in my kitchen putting away all the groceries, and after praying to God that he'd find the Ipad, I thought to myself, "This is only an object.  Only money--doesn't matter.  The only thing that matters is my husband.  We'll get another one."  When the groceries were all put away, I waited another 10 minutes and then called my husband's cell,  "Hey honey, did you find it?"  "It wasn't in the cart, but then I went into the store and someone turned it into customer service."  "OH MY GOD!  Seriously?  Did they leave their name so we can thank them?"  "No they didn't.  I can't believe I was such an idiot.  Glad it was there though," the relief in his voice was obvious. "Honey, you need to stop that.  I don't like it.  If I lost something would you want me to start calling myself names?"  "No," he sighed.  "Then you need to stop."  He was only about 5 minutes away from the house.  The moment the garage door went up, I ran to the door.  I just love him--for all that he is and for all that I am with him.  The amazing part is being able to feel appreciated for being this new and improved me.  "Ya' know babe, you are such a cool wife.  This could've been a huge fight."

We're the same in this aspect.  We've both had those crappy relationships, where everyone's so hell bent on being right all the time that they forget about the importance of each other.  I want this marriage to be my last relationship.  I want my husband and I to be married until "death do us part."  Those aren't just words this time around.  For the first time in my life, I'm able to see those words require action.  I don't want to be that wife, sitting in the coffee shop, wishing that I knew my husband--wishing for words to say that simply aren't there.  And now I know that to prevent this from happening, I have to remember what so many couples forget--when your significant other fucks up they know it.  They don't need the holier-than-thou attitude reinforcing their mistake.  I know when I screw up; I certainly don't need the person I love reminding me that I'm an idiot.  All I need during those times is support--and I need to be just as forthcoming with that support when my husband needs me.  Relationships.  Sure aren't easy, and sure took me awhile to figure some things out...

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